


Memories

by Paddy90



Category: Doctor Who RPF, Mattex - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Save Our Mattex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-04-09 08:07:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4340705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paddy90/pseuds/Paddy90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After two years of tv and stage, Alex takes the role in a small film, but it turns out not everyone is a new face. Is five years, and hell itself, enough to put back together what once was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feeling like I don't belong, everything feels wrong

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChiefDoctor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiefDoctor/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Not Myself by Jeff Barrilaro/Stephen Hobbs.  
> This is the first fic I've ever posted anywhere, I have a few written but never felt confident with them, half from my writing, half from being afraid they're a bit too real, as a lot is drawn from my own life and the parts I write about aren't pretty in anyway.  
> So apologies in advance for some bad writing and story line. Also a delay in posting, I'm currently overseas for the next 20 days and I'm having major surgery tomorrow, so I won't be out of hospital for three days to post anything beyond the first two chapters.  
> The story is mostly written, just needs some editing and filling in parts here and there.  
> It's based part on life events, part a game and part imagination run wild.
> 
> I know nothing of the lives of the people portrayed and this is simply a work of fiction

After two years of stage and brief TV roles, Alex found herself at a read through for an interesting albeit odd film. While she absolutely loved the stage, it was where she found herself at home most, she had to say a film like this was certainly something to look forward to and not something to be passed up. She knew the writer, Scott, and was excited to be working on something of his.

 

Everyone gets through their introductions and soon they begin the read through, the writer stating that the lead unfortunately isn’t able to turn up for this initial read through due to being a little sick and not wanting to affect anyone, claiming that he’ll have to take over his part for today, but assures everyone the actor will be present later on in the week once the rehearsals begin. A quick laugh is had, and they proceed to begin the read through.

 

They went through it easily, joking and laughing their way through it. It is only a small cast but from the read through alone it is obvious they just click together, and Alex thinks to herself that this is going to be a great joy to film and she’s excited to fly out to location to film, something she had never overly fond of doing before. There was no real set, just the open land, in some small country she had to admit she had never heard of before. It meant the shoots would be long to get things wrapped there as quickly as they can, shooting overseas always was an expensive excursion, so it was the norm. But this time she was looking forward to it.

 

The week passed quickly enough and she found herself back at the studio for rehearsals. She was a bit early and soon found Scott, heading over to say good morning.

 

“Morning Scotty”

 

The tall man spun around, a big grin on his face “Oh good morning…” Looking down at his watch “God you’re early, I see this must be a BBC thing…or maybe just what happens when you’re under the rule of the dark overlord Steven Moffat”

 

Alex laughs at him, “oh you’ve worked with him?”

 

He smirks at her “Sadly not, one day I shall have the privilege, but no, our lead had a decent tenure under his reign, and I believe you do know each other.”

 

She raised her eyebrow at him, trying to think who he was talking about. She was surprised to not have heard his name mentioned by anyone. She tried to think of all the actors she knew that had work with Steven, and apparently for quite some time. Her thoughts instantly went to Matt of course, which brought her a mix of worry and sadness. She quickly realised that without a doubt it was him, he was the only one whose current workload she couldn’t account for.

 

She’s brought out of her thoughts by Scott talking, “Hang on he went off for a smoke, I’ll go see if I can find him. I’m sure you’d like to catch up before the rest turn up.”

 

She struggled to manage a nod to acknowledge what he had said. She began to worry, not because it was Matt, more so it had been nearly five years since she had seen him last. She remembers that night too well, despite not thinking on it for quite some time now. She went over at Steven’s insistence after Karen had called him letting him know that as unlike Matt it is, he needs some time off due to personal issues. Steven assumed it must be serious, as Matt was always the professional along with his strong work ethic and had to be forced to take a day off when he was sick or injured. Steven called her but was unaware of their relationship, she knew he suspected something between them, and clearly he thought she would be the best to help him through this, she tried to convince him to call Karen back or anyone else to see him instead, but the concern in the Scots voice had made her agree to go passed and see him. She dreaded it, she knew this was her fault to begin with and space apart would be the only thing to get him passed her. It had been two weeks since she came to him and told him that what they had for the last two years had to end, she knew he would take it badly, but knew that eventually he would realise it wouldn’t have lasted, that he’d move on and find someone his own age and have a family like he deserved to have.

 

When she got to his place, she knocked several times to no response, remembering that she still had a key to his flat, she opened the door. The smell that hit her was over powering and she felt like she had entered a distillery that had been bombed. She walked into the open plan living area to find beer bottles and a couple of half filled spirit bottles scattered across the kitchen bench and coffee table next to his couch, where she found him unconscious half hanging off of it.

 

She had attempted to clean the bottles up, but woke him in the process and quickly what appeared to her as a situation with a severely depressed friend, well was she even a friend to him anymore after how she ended things, either way, it soon escalated with some wrongly constructed sentences and a drunken mind, and he became aggressive, she knew his anger was justified, but between his raw emotions and in his drunken and soon becoming hung over state, her presence there was just fuel on the fire, well more like a fuel tank to the fire. She tried to forget the angry words hurled at her, and the look on his face. She had never seen him in such a state and knowing it was her fault added to the pain. She knew she had to get out again, he had yelled at her, she had apologised, yelled back at him, in the end she backed away quietly simply informing him that Steven was worried about him, and quickly left before the confrontation between the two of them became anymore heated.

 

 

Taken from her thoughts by the sound of the door on the other side of the room shutting and hearing footsteps approach, she tries to prepare herself, since that day she hasn’t seen him at all, she avoided everything he had been in, avoiding every little bit of news about him.

 

“Here Alex, told you I’d find him out back smoking like a delinquent youth...” She looked up seeing Matt slowly trailing behind Scott, he looked so much older than she remembered, well obviously it had been nearly five years, but it didn’t look like time that had aged him, he looked worn and tired, the sparkle in his eye no longer there, she tried to tell herself that he’s probably just overworking himself. “…Matt, Alex I’m sure you’ll look forward to being on set again together, although sorry for the lack of a marriage, anyway I gotta head off and get things sorted before the rest of the cast rock up” He had a sly smirk on his face before disappearing down the corridor.

 

She continued to look Matt up and down, he had changed so much, but at the same time not at all. He still had his hair cropped short, with a bit of a scruffy attempt at a beard. He looked at her with a tired smile, “Good to see you Alex, it’s been too long. How have you been?”

 

Startled by his voice, she tries to focus on what he’s said, “Um, yeah you too darling. I’m doing well, busy but well. How are you?”

 

His smiles at her, but she can see it is strained and doesn’t reach his eyes at all. “I’m good, getting there I spose. Just glad to be back at work, I think I need it.”

 

There seems to be more to what he says, but as if she should know, of course this is what she chose though, to avoid every bit of news about him, it would be for the best, and they could keep their distance. “You missed the read through, usually it’s me that’s doing that, I hope you were ok, there was mention that you were a bit sick, I hope you’re feeling better now and I hope you’re not overworked, you probably need the rest”

 

He sighs a little, he had heard the same thing for the last year, ‘you need to rest, take some time for yourself’ he knew everyone meant well, but after everything if anyone expected him to find some control in his life again, he needed to go back to work.

 

“I know, but I’ve been resting the better half of the year, I need to find something to focus on, otherwise I don’t think….”

 

Noting the confused but concerned look on her face, he realises that she actually doesn’t know, that she thinks that he was flu type sick or something and starts to relax again before she thinks something else, although he feels he already may have said too much. The look of surprise on her face when he mentioned the year off, he realises that she has probably paid him no attention since they last saw each other, he can’t deny that it hurts, but in the way he responded to her the last time they saw each other, he can’t find it in him anymore to be angry, or blame her. Finding those old feelings crawling back still, he tries to get away for a bit before everything starts, he’s sure they still have at least an hour.

 

“Um, sorry….I…uh, I have to….I’ll see you later, sorry Alex…” And with that he quickly spins around and heads back out the door he had come through earlier on.

 

Unable to form words, she just stands there stunned. Obviously realising his apparent sickness wasn’t something minor, she began to worry, especially at the look in his eyes when he must have realised what he had said, the fear in his eyes and the near brimming tears as he retreated away from her.

 

Something was very wrong, and clearly there was a lot of pain there. Looking at her watch she saw they still had some time, and decided to follow him, to make sure he was ok. She found herself outside the studio door, and spotted him a few meters away sitting on the ground, cigarette in hand.

 

He had his head back against the wall, eyes closed and taking slow deep breathes, in between the occasional drag on his cigarette. She slowly moved closer, and notice he was shaking slightly. She was greatly worried but knew that showing it would probably only make him panic more. Sitting down next to him, he quickly sits up, looking surprised at the presence of someone next to him.

 

“Oh hi, um, sorry about before, I uh…just needed to get some fresh air” He looked away almost embarrassed.

 

“Fresh air from nicotine smoke?” She smirked at him. The look in his eyes told her the humour was not affecting him in the intended manner and tried to apologise, but he managed to speak before her.

 

“Um, yeah, bad idea I know…..” noticing his facial expression changing, and a small chuckle, she smiles at him, glad to hear that sound. She missed it so much. “I am sorry about before, I just…it’s hard you know, I haven’t worked in over a year now, but people talk and it gets in the media, then things just go on, everyone knows, and the stares and having people always tread so carefully around you, like you might explode at any time, or that one word will bring your whole world down….it’s just daunting I spose, I want to just go back to normal again, I know it’s not possible really but some facet of it. I need to do this, I need to focus on something and get back up again, otherwise I don’t know where I’d end up.”

 

She looks over at him, his eyes are closed, she is surprised he is being open with her, but she doesn’t know what has happened at all but doesn’t want to push him.

 

“I’m sorry Matt, I can imagine how that feels. I know there is nothing anyone can really say to make it seem any better, but you’ll find your way.” She gives him a small smile, which he returns and it is the realest smile she has seen on is face so far.

 

“Thank you Alex, I am sorry about that before though, I didn’t mean to be like that…..” Looking up they see some of the crew walking around, and realise they should probably go back in now.  He butts the cigarette on the ground and jumps up, “Well then, let’s go be amazing then shall we?” Offering his hand out to her.

 

She smiles up to him and takes his hand, she eyes him a little suspiciously at this new energetic force that has taken over him, it’s obviously a façade but she can see some reality in it. Once she stands up, he doesn’t let go of her hand, and seems to just hold on tighter. The action tugs at her heart, she realises there is a lot she is unaware of, but he seems to be finding comfort in her and she decides that she needs to be there for him, despite the time they hadn’t seen each other, as well as the terms they left each other on. Maybe that is why, he knows she doesn’t know a thing about what has gone on in his life since she last saw him.

 

 

They head back inside and start chatting with the various other actors. She notices what he meant, almost everyone in the cast appears to be looking at him with something between concern and interest. She partly wishes she knew what had gone on, but at the same time from how people seem to be acting, however subtly, she is almost glad she doesn’t know. As well as the fact that Matt seems to be finding some comfort in the fact that she doesn’t know and that maybe it instills a sense of normalcy to whatever he has been through. She feels he would be able to see through her if she tried to find out and decides that despite not really even being friends, she needs to be there for him, he needs her to help him, at least through the filming.

 

They run through the scenes they had planned to rehearse for today with little issues, everyone is amazing with little slip ups, and they sail through, just like with the read through and seem to hold it together as a tight knit group who’d you’d think have performed for years together. There seems to be a good natural bond between everyone and it helps run everything a lot more smoothly.


	2. I could see it in my eyes, my soul was broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from What Am I Spose To Do by Panda

They end up finishing earlier than expected, much to everyone’s excitement, as they all part ways for the day, Alex finds Matt in the parking lot heading out towards the gate, she shouts out to him and paces quickly over to him. He seems a bit surprised, however he still stops and walks back towards her.

 

“Matt, sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye, and wanted to make sure everything was alright, you seemed to have left the building in a hurry, but I now assume that was just for a cigarette?” She gives him a way out, to not force him.

 

“Sorry, I just wanted to get out quickly, first day back into it, just haven’t been around many people the last few weeks it just felt a bit suffocating in a way. I didn’t mean to be rude, sorry.”

 

Her heart breaks for him, to see him like this, he was always so passionate about his work, no matter the role, to see him this anxious and almost fearful about it, it was concerning.

 

“You don’t need to be sorry for anything darling, everyone has their days, it’s no problem. Actually I was just wondering if you were free, would you like to grab a cuppa?”

 

He looked up at her, seeming confused and hopeful at the same time, clearly he felt conflicted, she could tell. But he smiled, nodding “That would be lovely actually. Be nice to catch up a little I spose.”

 

“Great, do you want to go back to mine, I have some fresh scones I made last night.”

 

His eyes lit up at that, she laughed, clearly something’s hadn’t changed.

 

“God I’ve missed them” He laughed.

 

“Do you have your car here?”

 

“Um, no…..I, uh…I don’t really drive much anymore.” He looked away, still refusing to make eye contact with her.

 

“Oh that’s alright, makes it easier, my car is just back over there, come on.”

 

He looked back up at her, she could tell he was trying to suss her out, but instead just smiled at her, moving towards her car with her next to him. The drive back was relatively quick and quiet, he just stared out the window the entire time.

 

Arriving at her flat, she quickly flicked the kettle on and got the mugs ready, telling him to go into the living room and she’ll bring everything out. She went about getting the scones ready while the kettle boiled, she had to say she was a bit nervous, he seemed to have no ill feelings towards her anymore, however there was a lot of pain in his eyes and she feared greatly what had put that there. He was always so cheerful, even when he was sick or injured, nothing seemed to wear him down.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

He walked around the living room, finding photo frames scattered about the place, he went over them, many were of Salome. God, he missed that girl, he treated her like his own in a way and really he thought one day he’d be her step dad, he dreamt of the day they’d be their own family, the day he’d marry Alex, but as he had learnt over these past years, life was a bitch, life wasn’t fair, it was cruel and harsh when it wanted to be. He had reached a point where he had accepted the way life had played out, but no matter what, the pain it caused him, the pain he feels on a daily basis, it will never go, the initial numbness and denial, he almost wished he had it again, but he remembers well where that got him. It will never go away, even when he may get a minute away from thinking about it all, someone or something will bring it back to him, it always does.

 

He’s brought from his thoughts by the sound of mugs being place on the table.

 

“Here darling, sit down and dig in.”

 

He looks over, seeing Alex sat down, steaming mugs of tea and a plate of scones on the table. He turns back to the shelf and places the frame he had picked up back down again, sighing quietly. He walks over to the couch and sits down, he smiles at Alex, and picks up his cup.

 

“Thank you” despite them having shared times like this on numerous occasions, as friends and as lovers, he now feels incredibly nervous, unsure of what to do, except hold tightly onto his cup and stare at it. Somewhere between their current status and the heavy issues of the last couple of years, he feels it weighing on him now.

 

“Are you feeling ok darling?”

 

He looks up at her and regrets doing so, he see such concern in her eyes, the sort that you felt safe with, that you can’t help but open up to. He tries to pull his gaze away from her.

 

“Uh, I’m fine, sorry….just...erm, thinking.”

 

“Matt, I might not know a single thing of what is going on, but I know when you’re lying and I can see you’re not ok.”

 

He leans back into the couch, starting to drink his tea. He stares at the TV directly opposite him, seeing his reflection, he’s avoided it for a long time, all he sees is a stranger now, he just feels the pain, he can see the pain now reflected back at him. He closes his eyes to avoid the man staring back at him.

 

“No, I’m not ok. Not much I can really do though. Do nothing, it won’t leave me, occupy my days, it won’t leave me. But it’s life, I can’t go back, I can’t change anything, life can give you everything and it can take it just as quickly.” He sighs, slowly opening his eyes, she’s looking at him, the concern has grown in her features.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. I’ll be ok, things are getting…..um, they’re becoming more stable. I don’t want to worry you at all.” He adds.

 

“I know, darling, but I can’t help it, especially now. In the whole time I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you like this and that worries me greatly, whether you want me to or not, I can’t help it.”

 

He nods slightly agreeing, remembering a time when he had said the same thing to her, when he had found her upset and struggling to walk away without trying his best to help.

 

“And I know you probably don’t want to, but I’m always here to talk….if you want, if not, I’ll still be here for you.” She looks deep into his eyes, holding his gaze. He smiles sadly in acknowledgement.

 

The rest of the afternoon, they change to lighter topics, talking about the film, other works they have done since they last saw each other, their families and nearly everything in between they’ve missed with each other. He seems to relax, he laughs and jokes with her, as he did 5 years ago before everything changed. She notices several times though the pain reappear in his eyes when she speaks about Salome, although he says nothing and continues to ask about her. It concerns her, not sure if it has to do with what happened between them, or if there was something that had gone on during those last five years she was unaware of, considering how he has been just today, she is starting to worry a lot about what he has gone through.

 

Alex yawns, looking at his watch Matt is surprised how much time has passed.

 

“Wow, it’s pretty late, no wonder we’re tired” he laughs.

 

“What is the time darling” She goes to look around only to realised she hasn’t put the clock up yet.

 

“Nearly 11, who knew we could talk this much”

 

She smiles “Well it has been five years darling”

 

The smile from his face drops, before quickly standing “Sorry I should leave, you’re…uh, probably tired. It was nice to…to catch up. I’ll see you in a couple days…I uh, spose.” Heading over to the door, he half turns around “Goodbye Alex” and with that he was out the door.

 

She was stunned by his sudden change and leaving, she was unable to say anything to him. She tries to think maybe he’s just having a bad day, or week, but he seems completely off, almost on constant guard, even when they started easing up with casual conversation, the pain in his eyes never left, she knows there is a lot he’s not saying and clearly doesn’t want to talk about. She doesn’t feel like she has the right to talk to him about it, she wants to be there for him in the way he needs, and that is her not knowing, not talking to him about it, as he had mentioned he just wants it to not be raised in any way and for things to be as normal as they can.

 

But in this same moment she realises that she can’t do that not knowing what went on, she knows something happened, she has some understanding of the pain it is bringing him and that will always cause her to worry about him. She thinks that will cause him to put some distance between them as it will just raise those issues up again for him. If she treads careful around him, it will just put her in the same place as everyone else to him, while if she just continues on, she’s afraid she might unintentionally say the wrong thing and cause him more pain.

 

She knows she could probably just go on the internet and find something on there, but she knows far too well that a majority of what is there is just shit and either is lies or taken out of proportion. So after she has cleaned up and gotten ready for bed she quickly shoots off a text to Karen, who she know will be flying in to London at this time and should land in a few hours, asking if they could catch up some time before she starts up with her film. She has kept in good contact with Karen in the last couple of years, despite the distance that appeared after she left Matt, they reconnected again and have always caught up when they were in the same city, otherwise keeping in contact throughout the year.


	3. Close my eyes and count to ten, hope it's over when I open them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!  
> Yes only three chapters in, I'm sorry but they do get a bit lighter soon. I don't do light and fluffy well :(  
> This is a work of fiction, I do not know anything of the lives of the people portrayed to tell this story. This story is fueled from my own life experiences, I'm not just a horrible person, these fics are a form of therapy for me.
> 
> Sorry for the delay, I ended up an extra day in hospital and now I'm stuck on bed rest and only got my laptop out this afternoon. I will try to post the next chapter within a few days once I'm allowed to get out of bed and sit at the table.
> 
> Chapter title from Wonderful by Everclear.

Five days later she finds herself in a small quiet café, with Karen chatting about all sorts, from their films, family, onset gossip, and everything in between. Slowly the conversation starts drifting, Karen knew despite the catch up being a normal thing, there was something more to it.

　

"So do you want to head back to yours or mine to talk?"

　

Alex looks up from her nearly finished tea, surprised but Karen was good often at picking up on these things.

　

Alex smiled at her, "Yours?" She suggests knowing it was closer by, and judging by the heels Karen is wearing, she probably would be hoping that too. Although she knew Karen to be an absolute trooper when it came to heels.

　

"Perfect choice missy! Despite where this talk is going to go, I also have new shoes you just have to see. I ended up visiting that store you mentioned and think I walked out with about half of it, such a bad influence you are daughter." They laughed.

　

Settling onto the couch, Karen had poured two glasses of wine, clearly by Karen’s standards this was needed. There was silence for several minutes before Karen broke it.

　

"So what did you want to talk about?" She asks casually, and Alex can already see that she already knows.

　

"You know what this is about."

 

Karen simply gives her a look that says she needs to hear exactly what she’s after.

Knowing that this has been an off limits topic for some time, she understands Karen's look for her to actually ask.

　

Alex sighs. "It’s Matt. What happened?"

 

"No offence Alex, but I think you gave up your right to know when you left him all those years ago, and I don’t mean just ending the relationship, you left him completely, you cut off all forms of communication with him." Karen looks at Alex with sympathy but also one that questions her.

 

"I know, I regret how I handled all of that and I never meant to hurt him in that way...and I could just as easily search this on the internet, I’m sure it got out, but I want to at least have the truth, the real facts and not just some over exaggerated bullshit that will just hurt him if I say something wrong. We’re working together Karen, and I would really like to establish that friendship again, but he clearly doesn’t want me knowing, he wants someone around him who doesn’t know and doesn’t bring it up in his face every day, but I know something is wrong, he’s mentioned that much at least. I’m afraid to say the wrong thing, but I don’t know what that is until I’ve said it, and the pain in his eyes that it causes is too much. I want to respect him and help him by being able to be the person who will restore him some normalcy but at the same time by not knowing I can’t avoid hurting him."

 

She feels exhausted just from explaining that, looking at Karen, she notices her features soften and smile sadly at her.

　

"It’s a long story really, and it’s not something easy to tell really."

　

"I can only imagine, but I doubt he’d ever actually tell me, at least not for a very long time. But I think it’s necessary to know, he acts like if he hovers around me, it can be like before, like everything is perfectly fine, but I can see the pain in his eyes even in his attempts, I don’t know what went on, so I understood his attempts to…pretend I suppose, but when we’re talking I’ll mention something or other, and the pain in his eyes, on his face, it’s just too much, but I just don’t know, I wouldn’t ask otherwise, but it’s for him, I want to at least be able to give him that."

　

Karen sighs. She knows Alex has a point, and really after everything, the last thing they want now is Matt distancing himself from every living thing, he did it before and they nearly lost him. If he seems to find comfort being around Alex, and that is something at this time, he desperately needs, then Karen knew she would have to explain.

　

Karen sighs, "Ok, yes you are right, but you have to understand though it's not easy to talk about for me or anyone who is close to Matt, let alone for him to talk about, and secondly, this is just a brief version, because otherwise it'll take all day because it makes me cry every single time and really you don't need to know, if he decides to open up to you about it, then it'll be his choice as to what he lets you know."

　

Karen breaks her stare from the wine glass to Alex, and waits for Alex's acknowledgement. She already feels the dread of having to tell this story, however shortened she is attempting to make it.

　

Seeing Alex nod wearily, with deep concern in her eyes, Karen begins to explain.

　

"About a year and a half after you left him, he and an old friend started getting a bit cosy and they hit it off really well, I don’t want to come off as rude as I always thought the two of you were amazing together, but they were really two people who were meant for each other, anyways they got serious, they found out she was expecting and were over the moon. They had a son, they were great parents, Matt found his calling really, but then their world was turned upside down, he ended up needing surgery and he didn't make it."

　

Karen takes a deep shaky breath knowing if she doesn't just keep going, she'll be unable to get anything more out. Taking a sip of wine she continues.

　

"It broke the both of them, they tried for everything they were worth, but in the end it pushed them apart, constantly reminded them of him. In the end she moved away, for some space and to try to work through it, and in the end I think all of it just pushed him too far, he isolated himself, and that lack of support, the lack of an outlet, he bottled it up and pushed him over the edge."

　

Alex couldn't believe what Karen was telling her. The pain she felt for Matt was tearing at her heart. She knew the pain of trying for a child through countless attempts ending in miscarriages, that was a painful enough experience.

　

"In the end his mum got a phone call from the hospital, he had been in a car accident, basically he ended up along the coast driving and lost control going around a corner. He was mostly ok, bruises, cuts, a broken arm and some ribs, but after that he was just catatonic nearly, it was obvious that this wasn't him making bad choices, it was a suicide attempt. At first they thought he was drunk, but later found out he had just taken a large mix of pills and he must have begun to lose consciousness at the turn."

 

Alex gasped. She then realised she had been crying, feeling the tears slide down her face. She couldn’t believe any of it, he had been through utter hell. She could only imagine the emptiness and desperation he had felt, to push himself over the edge, to find himself in a place where he couldn’t even see himself getting through to the next day.

 

She remembered a time when she found herself there, she was thankful that she never was able to go through with it.

 

"When his mum called, I couldn’t believe it. He kept pulling away from everyone, we assumed he just wanted space, I mean I can’t imagine the place that would bring someone. Having people all around you, it would get too much. We gave him space and he just put more between himself and everyone else, we tried to just let him get through it his own way, we never thought it would bring him there, that he was so broken and at such a point he couldn’t talk to anyone, that he was brought to that."

 

Alex looked up at Karen, wiping her own tears away and beginning to notice Karen’s tears. She can only imagine how difficult it was for her as well, let alone his family. Karen and Matt were best friends, she had witness the bond they had for many years, no topic for them was too sacred, they were incredibly close, it must have affected Karen greatly getting the call to say Matt was in hospital after trying to end his life.

 

"That was nearly a year ago now, he doesn't talk about any of it, the psychs gave up, they would try to get him to talk about it, he wouldn't say a thing, they would mention it and he'd just break down. In the end partial distance was the best thing.

　

"Partial distance?" Alex asks confused.

　

"He keeps in contact with family and occasionally friends, everyone does their best to act like none of it happened, it's easy enough over the phone, but in person it a near impossible, so that's the distance, he practically doesn't exist beyond a phone call. Despite everything we had done to avoid it though, the rags got hold of it somehow. It was like fire to the crop, he tried to go back to work earlier this year and it just destroyed him, it was in the papers, everyone read about it, everyone knew about it, it just surrounded him and he just broke down again, we were worried for him, but in the end he just moved away, got a new flat, shut himself off from the world, only letting a few people in and he’s only just decided he needs the work, he needs to refocus and I think this is a new start for him, it's good, I mean what, he's done three days of rehearsals in a room with more than two people, it progress."

　

"Oh my god, I can't even...."

　

Karen places down her glass of wine, taking one of Alex's hands.

　

"Alex it's hard for him, but I think he'll get there, I spoke to him yesterday and I think you guys working together is good, being around each other again, it does give him that normalcy in some odd way, even before all of this, before the relationship you had even, when he was around you, he would always focus himself with you....in a kinda non creepy way, he loved you, always looked up to you, you always made him feel like he could take on the world, he always did, even after you left. If anyone can really help him, it would be you, how much that is actually possible I don't know, but you'd be the one to....and I don't mean to force that responsibility on you, I just mean that as it is."

　

Alex is surprised by Karen's last speech, she had always felt the same of him, but felt what they had to him, wasn't seen the same despite what he said, she thought he was just blinded by homornes, by the sex and that it was just a convient relationship that carried on for too long.

　

She had missed him greatly, not just as lovers, but friends, they synced from day one, had the same quirky humour, shared endless interests that seemed odd of Matt but he always was an old, odd soul.

　

Despite all this information, she looked forward to hopefully rebuilding a friendship and could only hope that she could help ease some of his pain as well.

　

"Thank you" she wiped the last tear away from her eye.

　

Karen squeezed her hand, smiling at her.

　

"Ok, now that's done, we need more wine and you need to see my purchases, since it's all your fault."

　

Alex laughed lightly, glad for the new focus, she was sure the wine would not last long, but backing away from such a heavy topic was welcome now. She could tell there was more to it all, Karen had said as much, she could sense it alone but for now she didn't want to know, then again she wasn't sure she wanted to know at all, what she learnt had been far too much. She did her best to refocus with Karen, hopefully the wine would help.


	4. Doing All I Can Do Just To Be Close To You

 

Alex fretted over the weekend, she thought finding out what was wrong would help, but now she was afraid it would drive Matt away, she had seen how anxious it had made him.

 

She really never expected anything that horrible to have happened, she felt so much pain for what he and his partner had gone through. For what their families went through.

 

They may have only reconnected a week ago and only seen each other over four days, but she felt he was opening up a little and had over the last two days, resumed his nearly constant texting to her, just like he had once before. The last day they had rehearsals, he was a bit more talkative with her.

  

It wasn't like before the texts, with silly little things, but it was something, she felt lucky to have this with him again despite everything. She didn't want  to lose all of that now, she didn't want to lose Matt and hurt him more.

 

She tried to get herself to stop worrying, although she knew that she never would, not over Matt and not over if Matt would be able to tell she knew.

 

They would be back in rehearsals on Monday and she worried he would know. Soon they were fly to location and the filming would be solid, she only hoped it would help him and get his mind mostly on the job and get some reprieve from his pain.

  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As Monday rolled around, Alex took her time and decided it would maybe best to not come in so early, that way she would get to avoid too much one on one time with him and if during the rehearsals he noticed if she looked at him different, she hoped he would maybe assume she was just tired or was simply stressed.

  

She was glad that she seemed to time it right, seeing some of the others just having arrived too.

They quickly began working through different scenes, which had some trickier dialogue. She was glad they were so engrossed in figuring out how to best deliver the lines the best way, that she made little eye contact with Matt outside of the scenes, only speaking to him in script and before they knew it, it was late in the day and she maybe could escape without actually seeing him.

 

It wasn't that she was avoiding him or didn't want to speak to him, more she was unsure what would be an easier way for her to act her way through it, in hopes he couldn't see that she knew. She hoped she could hide it from him, but even years ago she knew he was very aware of people's emotions and when things were wrong, he always read people so well and he always saw straight through her.

  

She was lost in her thoughts, worrying away, when she heard her name. At first she thought she was hearing things and ignored it, until...

 

"Alex!....wait up"

 

She spun around, spotting Matt several meters away striding over rather quickly.

 

"My god woman, you're hard to get hold of" he laughs.

 

She isn't sure where to look, but tries to laugh with him at least.

 

"Whatever do you mean?"

 

"Uh, well I tried to talk to you once we finished but you walked off, then I basically had to yell your name out 4 times before you even flinched" he laughed a little sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. It was the first time she had seen old Matt start to come back.

 

"Did I do or say something wrong Lex?"

 

Oh god, what if he would be able to tell.

 

"I uh, no...no Matt you, um, you haven't done anything wrong."

 

He looks at her oddly, as if trying to read her, seeing through her eyes.

 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

 

"Talk about it? Talk about what?" Panic starts to kick in and she tries to pull in whatever acting skills she can locate to be able to cover up the panic.

 

"Well something..." He seems to take a long look at her, "you know what, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be pushy like that. You seem to make me feel at ease....I uh, forget that's not where we are anymore, sorry....anyways talking can be....dif..annoying..." He trails off, looking down at his feet. "How about tea? I still owe you for tea and scones."

 

She feels so much pain for him in that moment, the pain of their lost friendship and the pain of what he can't talk about. Realising he's staring at her, she remembers the question, she smiles at him.

 

"I'd love that actually, be nice to be able to spend some time with a familiar and handsome face."

 

He snorts, "Think you might need some specs there Kingston!"

 

And just like that they fall into that old pattern. She has relaxed a bit but still feels on guard of the what she says.


	5. I want to let go of the pain, that I've felt for so long

It was two hours later they found themselves comfortably in Matt's living room, eating curry take away. Matt claimed he had been living off of the curry from the small restaurant for the last few months and that it was the best place, and that she had to try it.

 

They discussed the scenes they had done and their excitement for filming to begin.

 

"And can you actually believe, we leave in four days and I'm already packed!" He chuckled as he finished off his rice.

 

"What! You, packed...with more than 6 hours to spare." She laughs. She almost doubts this, the whole time she had known him, he always packed last minute, hurling various clothes quickly into a suitcase or bag, often forgetting one or two things in the process.

 

"I know hard to believe, I think I actually became an adult."

 

She smiled at him, she tried hard not to let the sadness seep through it. He always was incredibly mature, but ultimately had the heart of a child, she could only imagine how the last five years had changed him.

 

Looking at her, he gives her a serious look, albeit unsure.

 

"Alex, I don't know if it is still completely obvious, but I really enjoy being around you and these past few days I realised how much I missed you being around, I miss your friendship. And I'd really like if we could be again....I mean be friends again. The past is the past, can we put all of that behind us? I mean I assume we already did or we probably wouldn't be talking now.....but yeah....sorry I'm rambling...it's just I really miss you and we're gonna be working together and I could really do with a friend....or just someone who doesn't think I'm going to lose it....and I'm...uh....just going to stop talking....sorry."

 

He looks away from her, taking in a sudden deep interest in his hands. Afraid he's said something he shouldn't have or he's creeping her out.

 

Reaching out, she places her hand on his, "I'd like that very much darling."

 

He smiles at her, even through its sincerity, she can see the pain burning behind his eyes.

 

A silence settles between them, both unsure of what to say and feeling a little awkward.

 

He jumps up suddenly, stating he'll clean up the dishes and get some more tea, and disappears into the kitchen.

 

She gets up and walks around his living room, mimicking his actions earlier in the week in her apartment.

 

However her discoveries are far less. He has little around, at least in this room. Books scattered on a table off in the corner, along with some scripts. 

Next to the couch he has a small table. A tv on the wall opposite, with a small cabinet underneath it, with a large array of dvds, nothing new for him, he always had excessive amounts of dvds, cds and even vinyls about his old flat. She wondered slightly what the rest of the place was like, was it bare, empty to avoid his past.

 

As she heard the clunking of mugs, she decided to go to the kitchen to help. He may have changed a lot over the last five years but she doubted his clumsiness had disappeared.

 

Entering into the small kitchen, she finds him him pouring the tea. He looks up at her and smiles.

 

"Ah perfect timing! Despite all my skills I don't have three hands" he says, handing her a mug of tea, before hurling the teaspoon into the sink.

He turns back, picking up his own mug and a plate of biscuits.

 

They settle back on to the couch, the silence settling over them again. She thinks about how this will probably be the norm for a while, they're trying to rebuild a friendship, she doubts he'll have any trust in her and is probably expecting her to leave the moment filming is up. She can't blame him for it, after how she left him, then completely cut off contact, she can understand his hesitancy, let alone adding everything he has been through.

 

Taking a biscuit, she tries to think of something, as the silence gnaws away at them.

 

"Oh my god Matt these a brilliant, where did you get these?"

 

Matt shoots up, startled by her voice. He had begun getting worried he was going to end up driving her away.

 

"Sorry what?"

 

"The biscuits, they're devine, where did you get them?"

 

 

"I um, I actually made them" he looks away, actually embarrassed.

 

Alex is taken back by his embarrassment, he seems almost unable to take a compliment.

 

"You cook? My god I don't think I'll ever leave." She laughs.

 

He looks up at her, "I always could cook, just never had the time when we were on Who."

 

"Sorry I guess I'm just surprised, along with your kitchen being incredibly bare."

 

He looks back down at his mug, "I haven't really done any cooking lately, as I said I mostly live off of take away. These are the first thing I've cooked in nearly....forever. I thought it'd be a nice repayment for your scones." 

 

Watching him, he seems deep in thought, she decides not to say anything as she can see the cogs turning in his head, almost conflicted as if he is going to continue or not, so she waits.

 

"I also seemed to have picked up the whole apology through cookery from you too. I wanted to apologise for how I might have been these past few days." She goes to protest but he simply shakes his head.

"No I must, I don't know if I've said or done anything specifically wrong but I know I have been short fused lately, I'm blunt, I ignore easily, I'm probably creeping you out, with how clingy I'm being and I'm sorry, I probably give off numerous conflicting emotions and really well....I'm just sorry." He sighs, putting his mug on the table, taking his head in his hands.

 

She can hear his shaky breathing and it breaks her. She's unsure of what to say or do, but decides it doesn't matter now, he needs someone, even if he ends up pushing her away later for it.

 

She moves closer to him, placing her hand on his back, rubbing small circles, hoping it will help relax him the slightest.

 

"Darling it's ok, we all have our off days...or weeks, or months or hell even years. I know I certainly did. Bugger whomever said we have to deal with whatever in a set period of time. And for the record you have no reason to apologise, even if you did, I think it wouldn't even begin to even out how much I should apologise to you for everything."

 

She stalls realising what she said and knowing this is the last thing she wants to bring up, let alone at this time.

 

He drops his hands, shaking his head.

 

"Thank you but I am sorry for it, especially now being like this. I didn't get much sleep and I think it's just getting to me now."

 

"It's fine Matt, it's ok...."

 

He cuts her off, knowing she is going to possibly leave. He doesn't want to feel so desperate but he really can't help it tonight.

 

"Anyways never mind that, how is the poppet? She'd be almost graduating now? God I feel old now" he awkwardly laughs.

 

Stunned by his change, it takes her a while to register what he actually said, then when it sinks in she's not sure what to say. The pain in his eyes last time they spoke about Salome, and now knowing somewhat of a why, she doesn't want to have to bring that pain back.

 

"Alex?....are you alright? Did I, uh say something wrong?"

 

"No, sorry, just thinking. She's doing well and yes, she graduates in the summer. She's looking forward to it and wants to travel with some friends before going to university. Although I think she's a little anxious about graduating too. It's a big change again really, so it's understandable." She tries her best to ignore her worry, trying to find her way to seeing him as the Matt five or more years ago, the Matt without all that pain.

 

He smiles at her, but seems to be looking deep into her eyes, into her soul, looking right through her attempt at acting her way through this.

 

"Blimey, she really has grown up. But she's smart, best to get that traveling and all a bit out of your system before uni. I probably would have had much better grades if I did, instead I think I spent most of my first year traveling and partying, definitely not the brightest plan. What is she planning on studying?"

 

He seemed genuinely interested and if it kept his mind elsewhere, she was only happen to go along.

 

"I don't think she really knows yet, caught between creative writing and languages, or even music. You know what she's like, endless interests."

 

They continue on talking about Salome, slowly drifting towards a comfortable conversation about their own university days, endless bad choices and the usual embarrassing stories.

 

They speak long into the night, Alex began to understand his wanting her to stay, he didn't want to be alone. She decided she would stay as long as he wanted.

 

After a couple of more hours, she noticed he was struggling to keep his eyes open, noting that it was now 3am, it made sense, she was feeling incredibly tired herself. Remembering him mention that he hadn't slept and was having trouble, she could only imagine how tired he was.

 

She roused him enough to help him to the bedroom. Managing to get him under the covers, he seemed to be out before he even hit the pillow. She was glad, he needed the rest. Unable to stop herself she watches as he sleeps, it's the first time she's seen complete peace in his features.

 

As she went to leave the bedroom, she spotted the thin book shelf, with little nick nacks scattered about on it, some books, bottles of pills, cigarettes, then on one shelf something caught her attention, a picture frame, faced down.

 

She stalled, just staring at it. Time seemed to just slow down to a blur in that moment, she felt like she stood there for an age and yet no time at all. Slowly she picked up the frame, turning it in her hands to reveal the photograph in it.

 

"Oh Matt" she gasped silently.

 

Staring back at her through the cracked glass of the frame, was a photo of Matt on a couch, with a big grin on his face, helping a young boy stand on his lap, no more than six months old, staring back at him with an equally large smile. The resemblance too obvious, the bright eyes and almost mischievous smile. There was no mistake the young boy was his son, even without the similarities, the look on Matt's face said it all. 

 

She smiled at the image, the thought of Matt being a father, how great of a father he would make....did make, then the grief hit her, knowing from what Karen had told her, this was probably not long before he passed. To think that joy, the completeness of having a family, his own family, would be upturned and destroyed so suddenly and cruelly. To be thrown from one extreme to the other.

 

She placed the frame back down on the shelf, she couldn't imagine the pain. She berates herself mentally for not having just left straight away. She decides to leave now before she wakes him up, as she feels tears brimming in her eyes.

 

As she walks out the room she is unaware of the eyes that have been watching her for the last few minutes.


	6. Teuio En-Dro An Avel C'hlas, Da Analan Va C'halon C'hloaz't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title translated from Breton: "The blue wind will come back, and bring back with it my wounded heart"
> 
> Apologies for the delay in getting back to this, so much for two weeks! One thing after the next kept getting in the way, but thankfully now I can focus back on this, sadly one of the (many) things that delayed me in posting anymore was the fact that my laptop got smashed after someone attempted to steal it, so I've had to start over again, which is a little frustrating considering how much of it I had written and also I was in a very different mind set at the time, but alas I shall keep on rewriting it, so I hope I don't disappoint. (Lesson was learnt to have a backup!)  
> Massive thanks to ChiefDoctor, for all the encouragement, motivation to write and just general endless amazingness!

Heathrow was bustling as always, a mix of those rushing about in a hurry, and late, with those strolling around casually. Even this early in the morning, it seemed like it never changed.  
She managed to make her way through immigration and customs with surprising ease. Finding the gate she notices some of the cast already there. After greeting them, she sits down by Abby, who seems far too awake for this hour of the day. They chat about their excitement for filming, especially overseas in a remote part of the world and other projects coming up.

While chatting Alex looks around the gate, which Abby picks up quickly enough.

 

 

"He's sitting back over that way" the girl nods in the direction behind them.

 

 

Alex looks behind her slightly, scanning the people there, slowly she mananges to pick him from the crowd, hoodie covering his head, sunglasses still on, earphones in and focused on his phone, clearly in his own world and probably avoiding the outside world, until he has to.

 

She sighs, before turning back around and smiling at Abby, she goes to speak but Abby gets in first.

 

"He's been like that for an hour now, I don't like to be one of those people, but you guys have known each other for years now, do you really think he's up for this? I heard he suddenly dropped out of the last film."

 

 

Unsure of how to reply, she looks back over at him, still seeming to be staring at his phone.

 

 

"He's capable, if he didn't feel he was up to it, I don't think he'd be here."

 

 

Although she did wonder how Matt was, no matter what, he was a professional and with filming about to begin, if he felt any unease, he'd still force his way through it. But she still had been worrying since that last night she saw him, she had called and texted him, just to check in, as well as to see if he wanted to catch up, but each time her calls went to voicemail and the texts never replied to.

 

Lost in her thoughts, it takes her a while to realise the flight has been called. Collecting her things she boards. After taking her seat, she quickly sends off several texts. As she puts her phone away she looks up to the person that has just sat down next to her.

 

 

"Matt! Darling you surprised me. How are you?"

 

 

He smiles at her, although it seems forced and never reaches his eyes.

 

 

"Hey, excited for the trip?" he says a little to lively.

 

 

"Uh, yeah, can't wait, it's suppose to be really beautiful there." She replies, confused by the act he is putting on, she's not sure whether to go along with it or not.

 

 

"Mm, that it is."

 

 

With that he puts his earphones back in and goes back to looking at his phone. She stares at him for several minutes, confused and worried by the act he’s putting on, eventually the plane starts to take off, so she focuses on getting through that first. Once the plane has stabilised, she steals a glance at Matt, who still seems consumed completely by what is on his phone, though at the angle it’s at she can’t see what exactly. She sighs and reaches for her book instead.

 

Almost two hours into the flight she closes the book, she couldn't really focus on it, too worried about what was wrong with Matt, it was obvious something was, just like the first day, he was putting on an act that he was fine, when clearly he wasn't. Obviously he was still struggling with coping with everything that had happened, but she was unsure of if it was only that or something else. She thought maybe he needed to just be left alone, she sighed feeling terrible for him, stealing a glance at him, he had put his sunglasses back on, she wasn't sure if he was awake or not, then she noticed the tear run down his face.

 

Without thinking she reached over placing her hand over his. Startled when he sits upright suddenly, his breathing quickened. He looked at her, then down at her hand on his, before returning to look at her once again.

 

 

“Matt...are you ok?”

 

 

He seemed unsure of his surroundings, looking around, beginning to realising where he was again. His breathing has begun to slow, although is still shakey.

 

 

“Matt?”

 

 

He’s taken from his thoughts by the sound of his name and he looks back at Alex, somewhat confused.

 

 

“Darling are you alright?” She squeezes his hand.

 

 

As if it’s suddenly burning him, he pulls his hand away, quickly rubbing a hand across his face to remove the tears he’s just realised are slowly rolling down his face, nearly knocking his glasses off in the process. He stands up as quickly as he can without bringing attention to himself and he walks away down the aisle of the plane.

 

Alex is left completely stunned by his reaction. She looks down the aisle but he’s gone. She sighs, worried for him and slightly annoyed with herself. Several minutes have passed and he still hasn’t returned. Suddenly it dawns on her that he was asleep, he probably felt incredibly embarrased having her notice that he was crying, when he wasn’t aware of it, let alone what he had been dreaming about to top it off.

 

Nearly 20 minutes later, she feels him return and slowly lifts her head from her hands to look at him. He has removed his sunglasses now, but just stares ahead. She doesn’t look at him directly, she doesn’t want to make him feel any worse than he is now. Looking at him out of the corner of her eye, she watches as he holds his hands above his thighs, they’re shaking, slowly he balls his hands up into a fist, before stretching them out again, repeating it over and over, until the shaking begins to slow.

 

Her heart broke for him, as much as she knew how Matt was when it came to work, she began to wonder if he was really up for this, several weeks of filming for long hours, she could only think of how this was either going to help him greatly, or completely break him.

 

She places her arm along the seat’s arm rests, breathing out and closing her eyes, calculating the flight was still another 3 hours, she tries to think on something else, instead she feels a hand grab on to hers. Her eyes flash open and she looks over to him, biting on his lower lips, looking slightly unsure, he looks at her, questioning if it is ok. His eyes are red, but the tears have gone, for the first time now she notices the dark bags under his eyes. She opens her mouth to speak, but is stopped when he shakes his head.

 

She smiles simply at him, in understanding.

 

 

“Thank you” he says so quietly she hardly hears him.

 

 

They remain like that for the remainder of the flight, not a single word spoken but hand in hand. Alex risks a side glance, finding Matt asleep again. She silently hopes, he can find some peace in his sleep now.

 

 

The final hours of the flight pass quickly enough and they soon find themselves shuffling through immigration and on to customs.

 

 

“Jesus, talk about security here” exclaims Mike, as they all take in the obvious military presence within the airport.

 

“Civil unrest in the south, mix of politics and religion. It’s been going on for ten years or so apparently, just the government showing off it’s force to intimidate. Shouldn’t be a bother to us."

 

Everyone stops and looks as Matt speaks, Alex is surprised by everyone being taken back, until she realises this is the first time he has said anything to anyone really outside of a script so far.

 

Soon enough Matt realises this too, dropping his head with a smirk on his face. He shakes his head, continuing on through customs while the others stand around. Alex soon follows behind, and the others follow on, seeming to come back from the mild surprise.

 

They arrive at the hotel with no problems, once again going over the schedule for the filming before heading to their respective rooms. All of them excited for the next several weeks.


	7. They Say You Can't Love And Be Wise, But With You I Can Pretend

Late next morning Alex decides to go out and see the local area, they have two days to themselves before filming begin. She is glad, it wasn’t too long of a flight, but still long enough to warrant the need of a day or two rest before jumping into filming.  
Opening the door to leave, she finds Matt standing there hand raised about to knock.

 

“Hi Alex” he says awkwardly.

 

“Uh, hello Matt. Sorry you just surprised me is all.”

 

“Sorry, I just wanted to see if we could talk?” he asks, looking half afraid she will refuse.

 

“Of course darling.”

 

“I’m not interupting am I?”

 

“Oh, no I was just going to go out to see the sights. Well what is local anyways. Do you want to come along and we can talk then.”

 

“That would be nice, I don’t want to disrupt your plans though.”

 

“Oh nonsense, it’s just a stroll around. It would be nice to have company, especially yours. I’ve really enjoyed getting to spend time with you again.”

 

He looks down, lost as to how to respond to that, but glad she isn’t avoiding him like he expected her to. Each time they get to be together, he feels ease, every time surprised that they do and that she stays. Turning around she closes the door, checking that it locked. Before gesturing for them to walk. They remain silent for the next 15 minutes, unsure of how to initiate a conversation. For all the years they were friends, and lovers, reestablishing their friendship seems to be slow and on shakey grounds. They both want the easiness they had before, but both now afraid to say something to the other in fear it will be the wrong thing, far too much time passed, lives lived apart, unsure of how the other will react. In the end it is Matt who breaks the silence.

 

“I wanted to apologise....again....for on the plane, I uh, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about it. It’s just I had a rough couple of days, I was a bit on edge and....” he sighs deeply, running his hand through hair, “...I’m just sorry....I know I’m saying it alot, but I truely am.”

 

“Matt, it’s fine, I was worried and didn’t understand at first, but before you came back it made sense, I’m the one that is sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, it was just an automatic reaction. I’m sure you felt bad enough without being startled awake. It’s ok though, I understand...just let’s pretend it didn’t happen ok? As I said last time, we all have bad days, or weeks, or months, nothing to be sorry over, put it behind us and move on.”

 

“Thank you Alex.” He says with a small smile, the most genuine one she can remember seeing since their reunion.

 

They find themselves slowly making their way back into familiar grounds, joking and the hint of a little flirting, wandering around somewhat aimlessly taking in the sights. They find themselves soon in the local town of Baghadur, taking in the sights and smells of the large town, somewhat enjoying the step away from the every day, little in the way of cars on the road, with a bustling market, full of life. Getting lost around the tight twisting paths that lead from building to building, they eventually decide to find somewhere to grab some lunch, daring to try some local cuisine.

 

 

After lunch they wander around before settling upon a rise overlooking the vast lands passed the town, they sit down on the grass looking down at the forest, and a long river that seems to just disappear into the forest. Taking in the beautiful view before them for several long minutes.

 

“Well, that was certainly something.”

 

“Indeed! I’m sure I could just spend a couple of weeks here just eating and walking around.” She jokes.

 

“I mean just look at this. I could easily live here, far too beautiful and so peaceful.” he says, waving his hand about, gesturing the endless terrain around them.

 

“Mmm, I think we could all do with some of that. When we flew in, it seems like the entire country is like this almost.”

 

“Yeah and Ashram is spose to be even more spectacular. Closer to the mountains...God think I will move here. Simplicity, beauty and peace, yup I’m sold!” He chuckles, smiling when he gets a laugh from Alex as a result.

 

Never having expected to get this with her again, between having her here, rebuilding their friendship and working together in such a beautiful place, he thinks this is the first time he’s really felt some form of happiness in such a long time, it feels like a lifetime for him. Although he soon finds another emotion fighting through, and his smile drops.

 

Alex notices the change, but doesn’t want to push him. He said he had been having a couple of bad days, despite his smiles and laughing being genuine, she knows he’s not 100% away from it, and that he may never be. She is realistic that the bad days may never leave him, and decides to just let him be.

 

“So are you excited for filming?”

 

“To be honest, I’m nervous as all hell. I mean it’s not as if I haven’t done this before, I’m excited and definitely am looking forward for Monday to get here, and we did plently in rehearsals, everything went well and I know it will, but it’s been quite some time since I’ve worked and I feel I won’t be any good, or I’ll bugger it all up.”

 

Taking his hand in hers, she looks at him sternly but caring.

 

“Matt, you are brilliant, you always have been. It’s second nature to you, doesn’t matter how long it’s been it’ll come right back to you. We did the rehearsals and ran through it all and you were amazing like always. Just relax and don’t remember everyone else’s lines.”

 

He laughs, remembering how she had told him off for memorising entire scripts when they worked on Who, telling him he was going to work himself into the ground or a mental institution if he kept it up.

 

“Haven’t really done a role like this before, not really use to being the tough guy.....although then again, I never had really been a 1200 year old alien either, so I’m sure I’ll figure out how to get by.”

 

They fall silent, appreciating the view before them and the company of each other. It is another hour before they decide to make their way back to the hotel. Strolling back, hand in hand, finding their own comfort in the small gesture.

 

“Thank you, Alex.”

 

“Thank you for coming along, certainly made it a much more enjoyable day.”

 

“Any excuse I get to spend around you.” He shoots her a cheeky grin, while leaning against her door’s frame as she unlocks the door.

 

“Oh you!” She laughs whacking his arm.

 

“But seriously, thank you, it really helped too.”

 

“Matt....about what you said...uh, if you need to talk, you know I’m always here for you, no matter what.”

 

He stills, sighing softly.

 

“I know. Goodbye Alex.” With that he turns around and walks off down towards his room.

 

As she closes the door, she knows that he still doesn’t trust her, that the probability of him talking to her in that way, is low. Karen had said he hardly opens up to anyone, not family, not friends, not doctors, so why would he do so with her. She sighs, she broke his trust and his heart, knowing that to gain his trust again will take a long time with what he has gone through.


	8. Take Back Your Heart, Take Back Your Pride.....

When Monday rolled around, she was glad for it. To be getting back into filming, hoping it would help her refocus her mind. She hoped that also for Matt’s sake, it would do the same.

The hours were long each day, but despite the exhaustion everyone felt at the end of day, they were enthusiastic about the filming each day. There may have been a lot of physically demanding scenes, but they were having fun and enjoyed being outdoors in such a stunning terrain.

Over the two weeks since arriving in country, everyone had began to open up to each other, even Matt who still was quite reserved outside of filming had started to almost appear to be himself again by the second week, or at least to some form Alex’s memory of ‘her Matt’. He had become more lively since the filming had begun, openly chatted to everyone, unlike before when he seemed to almost revert into an extremely shy child if anyone spoke to him outside of script, usually either nodding, shaking his head, or simply excusing himself before walking away.

With Matt and Keenan filming a couple for scenes together, Alex takes advantage of the break in filming, grabbing some lunch and a strong coffee to help her get through the rest of the day.

 

“Hey Alex!”

 

She looks up to see Abbey walking over, still far to energetic.

 

“Hello darling, seriously though how are you still going?” She laughs.

 

“5th coffee for today....and probably far too much sugar, I can’t help it, I’m a consistent snacker,”

 

“You should team up with Matt, I’m sure between the two of yous, you’d clear a sweets shop.”

 

“He seems to have cut back then. Although I do remember watching those doctor who confidential episodes and he did seem to be bouncing along.” she chuckles.

 

“He used to have a secret stash somewhere. We’d do a take, and in the time cut was called, he’d have a biscuit or some sweet already in hand, while we’d wait for the director to check the take he’d probably eat a handleful of biscuits. No idea where any of it came from, but no matter where we were, he’d have an endless supply.”

The girls continue to joke about Matt’s old eating habits before Abbey turns a little more serious.

 

“I have to say he’s certainly changed since rehearsals. You were right about that.”

 

“He wouldn’t have gone this far if he couldn’t do the job.” she says neutrally.

 

“I didn’t mean to come off as rude or gossiping when I asked before, it wasn’t so much I was worried that the filming would stop, more that he was going to be ok. To be honest no matter how professional I’d be able to be, if I went through that, I think I’d turn into a complete hermit. I can’t even begin to imagine what that would feel like. I’m glad to see him being able to...well I suppose enjoy himself and relax....well the best sense of relax for us at the moment.”

 

“I’m glad too. I think he needs this, something to refocus on and having a small cast and crew, it’s helping.” Understanding the young woman's concerns, reassured too by it.

 

”I‘m sure having a familiar face to work with is also helping. It seems like you guys always had a solid friendship. I‘m sure he is grateful for that.” She smiles with a hint of sadness at Alex, far too aware of the tragic nature of the topic. Alex simply mirrors her smile, trying not to think on how that friendship had fallen apart when their affair, as she put it, had ended. Now they held ground more as strangers, simply with faces of people they used to know.

 

“Ladies!!!”

 

They both look over to see Matt heading over to them. Covered in head to toe in dirt and fake blood stained over his t-shirt, but with a smile on his face. He plops himself down next to Abbey.

 

“So what are you lot up to since you got til 2 off?”

 

“Lunch, gossip, nothing you’d be interested in. I thought you were filming?”

 

“Lunch, Gossip? Not interested? My god woman, you don’t even know me!” He offers a look of disgust, before shaking his head. “Um, we are, but one of the cameras was playing up, so got 15 minutes for tea.” He says as he lifts up his cup.

 

“Well you look as if you need one.”

 

“I haven’t had one since 4 this morning, pretty sure I deserve one with all this running around and being macho, it’s hard work.” He pouts.

 

“Yes, doing a fine job of being macho there sweetie. Not sure about the smell though.” She smirks at him.

 

“See Abbey, this is what I was on about, had 4 years of this attitude.” He says pointing at Alex, trying to look serious.

 

Abbey laughs at him, “Oh I don’t know about that, I think you enjoy it far too much.”

 

“Oh you’re good. But what can I do, I can’t help it, she’s bloody Alex Kingston. I try to fight it!” He laughs.

 

“I might usually be oblivious, but you sir don’t even try to hide it, not now, not back when you guys did Who....and that is probably where I should stop before I lose control of the inner fangirl.” She finishes quickly, looking a little embarrassed.

 

Matt looks down, blushing a little and a tad self-conscious that it’s still he finds himself unable to hide his feelings, of any sort, from others in regards to Alex, whether they take them as playful and flirty or see that he was blindly in love with her. He quickly tries to shrug it off, for his own sake, as well as both Abbey’s and Alex, who now is looking rather awkward.

 

“Ah, a...uh, what do they call them...whovian!! Who was your favourite?” He asks, his voice going higher than normal in the attempt to get the question out.

 

Abbey laughs and seems relieved at the same time.

 

“Oh, definitely you, I never started watching seriously until just before David left.”

 

“Knew I liked you for a reason.” He says with a big grin on his face, before turning to Alex. “So, Alex, any spoilers you can give us, now there’s more than just me asking? I’m sure I could bring in Scotty and Mark.”

 

“I think you already know the answer there.”

 

“Urgh, you’re no fun. You were my wife, I should be entitled to these things!” He pouts at her, producing a laugh from both women.

 

“You tried that approach before and it got you nowhere. All three of you did. It really is far too much fun watching you lot try every tactic to get anything out of me. Arthur is still at it and failing miserably, maybe you could team up with him again.” She offers, laughing at Matt rolling his eyes.

 

“Ah, I’ll accept defeat then, anyways it seems we’re back up and running. Have fun without me then....if that’s possible.” He says, before getting up and strolling back towards where Keenan was standing, before walking through the forest and disappearing from their sight.


	9. The Flames Going Higher, Leaving You To Burn Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back!!! May have had a slight heart attack there when I posted this chapter and the page came up saying the entire work had been deleted, but we're back on course again!
> 
> Once again terribly sorry for such a long time since my last update, long story short 17 hour shifts suck.  
> I wasn't too happy with this chapter, but ended up just giving up and leaving it as it is now. I promise another two updates tomorrow and they will get a bit longer. This actually is based on a rather awkward moment I had with an old friend a while back.

The days mostly went on the same. The hours were long but it was always a fun time, even if exhausting. Although they all got along well, if Alex was still filming when he had a break, he kept to himself. He knew it was stupid, he knew everyone was friendly and respectful, and at another time, he would have engaged more with them, but something always held him back, he didn’t know entirely what it was, or even really why, but he felt like socialising like that, was like riding a bike the first time, nerve wracking, although relieved when he survived, but needing someone to keep him upright and not fall apart.  
  
  
Despite the need to have her nearby or simply to be alone when she wasn’t, he finds himself confused as to why. It had been five years since she had been in his life, he had the last two years trying to piece himself back together, falling apart several times in the process, most of that time completely alone, mostly by his own choice. Yes, he did want her in his life again, but the more time they spent together, relearning each other, finding enjoyment in being together, he felt an completely different set of feelings making their way through.  
  
  
  
Over the last couple of days he found it hard to ignore or push back these feelings, he’s not even sure where they’re coming from. He was pretty sure five years ago he dealt with them all during a two week bender, then processing through them again completely sober.  He tries to put it out of his mind, watching as some of the cast and crew bustle about on their lunch break, while he keeps out of the way, making his way through another pack of cigarettes. No-one else on set seemed to smoke, so it seemed to keep them away from him, for which he was glad at the moment. Despite his almost need for Alex to be around him to involve himself with others, he doubted her presence would really help, fighting with these feelings inside of him he didn’t really want to talk to anyone. He was glad they were nearing the end of the shoot, he was enjoying it, enjoying anything hadn’t been a recent feature in his life, but being the lead once again meant that while others got a day off here and there, he simply didn’t and between the battle he was having internally and the need for a break, it was beginning to push him a bit. He may have been struggling hiding it, but he managed well enough to bottle it up and act his way through it.  
  
  
  
“Too cool to sit with the other kids?”  
  
  
  
He was startled but managed to not show any physical reaction.  
  
  
  
“Not enjoying your day off then?” He asks, lighting up another cigarette.  
  
  
  
“It’s 10am, I enjoyed the sleep in. But it’s a bit lonely, much rather enjoy hanging out here and watch you lot work. It’s the only downside when they tell you where we’re shooting last minute, don’t get a chance to learn the language, so I feel it’s a bit useless having a day off.”  
  
  
  
“It’s not that hard of a language. Changes region to region, but holds the main grammar and speech rules. Written wise, it’s a load of gibberish but the language is quite repetitive.”  
  
  
  
“Well yes, but you’re you, Mr I Learn Everything!”   
  
  
  
“I wish. But no I knew where we were going, I did the big boy thing and asked. So I started learning bits, I wanted the ability to get away and see things.” He replies sarcastically, earning himself a laugh.  
  
  
  
They sit in silence for a few minutes, before Matt lights another cigarette. He offers the packet over.  
  
  
  
“I think I’ll be fine. I’ll stick to drinking as my vice. I know you are a grown man Matt, and I really can’t say anything, but maybe you should cut back a little.”  
  
  
  
He goes to protest, until he looks down at his feet and see several butts on the ground, not even remembering smoking that many. He swore he only had lit up two in the time he had been standing there.  
  
  
  
“Um, yeah, maybe you’re right Kingston. Sorry.” He looks away sheepishly, putting the cigarette out.  
  
  
  
“You’re an adult, you can make your own choices. I just don’t want you killing yourself...” She stalls, realising what she said. “With these...I mean.” she quickly says indicating the cigarettes.  
  
  
  
He looks up at her, staring at her. It took him a while to work through her words, but he knew what she meant, and that she wasn’t meaning it in any other way, though it still stalls him. He feels bad, she looks absolutely terrified over it.  
  
  
  
“Uh, yeah no of course. You’re right it’s bad. I didn’t even...uh realise....how many I had.” He stutters his response, but still frozen on the spot.  
  
  
  
He knows it’s become a bad habit and he should cut back, but it’s the only coping mechanism that always work. The irony of her statement almost makes him want to laugh. The one thing that is slowly killing him, is helping him avoid trying to do it the fast way. The worst part is that he knows that she knows that. He can already feel the shakes coming back, itching to light another cigarette to help put the thoughts aside. He sees Alex looking at his hands shake. The moment of ease gone, filled with anxiousness. Suddenly they were lost for words, unable to look at one another in the eye. He imagined this was what it was like if you ended up standing next to your ex at the middle of a party and everyone was watching your every action, as you stood next to one another awkwardly.....oh wait, he looked up over at the set up several meters over as some of the crew had made a move to head back to work, he realised that’s exactly what they were, exes standing awkwardly next to one another in just as awkward a situation, one where no-one seemed to know they were every together, so every action made was that as best friends, when that wasn’t how it had been in a long time. His mind raced through with endless thoughts, just causing him more panic.  
  
  
  
“Matt, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that....” She wants to say more but finds it impossible as she watches him. Hands shaking, his breathing rapid. Worried that he’s going to break down, she is about to pick up the cigarette packet he had dropped to get him to have one to help calm down, before she remembers something she had used before to help. Pulling the elastic band from her hair, letting it down, she gently takes his hand in hers, making him look at her, slipping the band over his hand onto his wrist, she gains a confused look.  
  
  
  
“Try flicking it. It helps.”  
  
  
  
He simply continued to look at her confused through panicked breathes.  
  
  
  
“It hurts but it helps, trust me.”  
  
  
  
He looks skeptical, but raises his other hand to his wrist to follow her directions.  
  
  
  
“Ow! That...uh...you have some...serious hair..bands.” He looks at her, before looking back down at his hands and repeats it several times. Sitting back down on the ground, placing his full attention to it.  
  
  
  
“It’s the exact same principle as smoking, except it’s a natural chemical doing it. And it doesn’t harm you. It’s a technique I learnt quite some time ago.”  
  
  
  
He keeps his eyes on his wrist, keeping up at flicking the band on his wrist. She watches as his breathing slows again, feeling her own begin to slow down. She wonders if he realises that her reaction to what she had said let him know that she knew, he never gave any indication to it, but she noticed at how much he avoided everyone else, unless she was around, almost as a buffer. She also begins to see that the old Matt that had been coming back through these last few weeks wasn’t really him, that it’s nothing more than a coping mechanism for him. She questions her own actions for leading on the act of her pretending to not know, is it any good for him? Is it helping at all or is it just going to hurt him?  
  
  
  
“Sorry Alex, I uh, I....I actually don’t know.” He sighs, looking around, seeing the director wave at him, indicating that the filming was beginning again.

  
  
“Uh, I better go.” He says before walking off, while she watches as he schools his features and hides the pain again.


	10. All these days I've been broken & hopeless & I don't feel like I'm coping & I'm hoping that I that I can live and let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry!!! But an update is here. Pretty sure I've written this chapter about 20 times, so apologies for it.  
> For those following, in the first chapter I had mentioned I had this story completely written. Well I had, but after my laptop got smashed, I lost all my data, so I am attempting to rewrite the story from memory. So I'm sorry for the delays in it, but it's a bit of a struggle to rewrite something I had written a few years ago in a very different state of mind and place in my life. I am determined though, so thank you to those who are still sticking around for more!
> 
> Chapter title from Live and Let Go by The Hilltop Hoods (Absolutely love this song fyi)

Hoping that he had gotten back to the hotel already, since she knew his scenes were suppose to have wrapped up at 4pm, she stood outside his door knocking, hopeful that he’d answer and be a little more relaxed than he had been earlier that morning. There was no reply, but due to the sound of some of the crew coming back, she wasn’t sure if she had heard someone. It was nearly 6 and since it had been getting darking rather quickly, she hoped he was in and simply hadn’t heard her, not gone out.  
Trying again, she waits. Startled as the door is opened.

  
  
  
“Alex” He looks surprised.  
  
  
  
“Matt, hey I was wondering if I could come in?”  
  
  
  
“Uh, I’m not really...”  
  
  
  
“Hey Alex!....Matt, you up for drinks tonight?” Mark unknowingly cuts him off.  
  
  
  
“Hey man, nah just staying in tonight and having a proper dinner.” He replies with a bright smile, and more energy than Alex had seen from him in a while.

  
He pushes the door open more, and moves to the side to let Alex in, although she stays rooted in front of the door, until he looks at her and smiles, clearly hinting for her to come in.  
  
  
  
“Have a good one Mark!” Matt shouts out as he closes the door behind him.  
  


  
  
He gestures towards to couch, before walking over to the bench to finish making his cup of tea.  
  
  
  


“Do you want one Lex?”  
  
  
  
“Um, yeah sure. Thanks.” She replies, still a bit confused.  
  
  
  
She watches as he busies himself with making tea, she was half expecting him to tell her to leave once he knew that Mark had reached his own room. But he hadn’t yet and was now making her tea, mentally she thanked Mark for walking pass when he did, doubting that she would have been able to convince him to let her in to talk to him.  
  
  
  
“Here you go.” He says offering her a cup. He moves over to the couch and indicates to sit. Which she does.  
  
  
  
They sit in silence, drinking their tea for some minutes before it is broken.  
  
  
  
“So did you come over for something?” Asks Matt.  
  
  
  
“More so I wanted to talk, about certain things.” She says, testing how he reacts before going further.  
  
  
  
“I kinda thought so, I’m not really for conversation Alex.” He says casually, despite tensing at her words.  
  
  
  
“Matt, you’re my friend, I thought that’s what we said we were aiming for, and I’m not standing by watching you struggle. I want to help, I care about you alot.”  
  
  
  
“Yeah...look there’s nothing to help with, so I don’t need to talk about it.” he says somewhat dismissively.  
  
  
  
“Then what was that this morning?”  
  
  
  
He sighs frustrated, he knew it was coming. Since that night back in London when he figured out she had known about what had happened, he assumed eventually she‘d try to get him to talk to her about it, though over the last few weeks he started to worry less about having to face that talk or the aspect of it at least, as she seemed less wary around him. The last few days he had been so overwhelmed with his emotions and thoughts....on other matters, he didn't realise how much they were showing on the outside, well to Alex anyways, he didn't think the others had noticed. He slipped up this morning, tripping up on her words, they were harmless but set him off. He managed to get through the day easily enough, by the fourth take he began to ease up and let go of the anxiety of his encounter with Alex, by the time he got back to his room, he had nearly completely forgotten about it.  
  
Then she was standing there, in front of his door, and it all came rushing back, fear gripping at him again. He contemplates really what to say, they only have a month left of filming, after that he can avoid her questioning just like he does with everyone else. Instead he decides that he won’t lie, well not entirely.  
  
  
  
“TBI, that’s what it was. See, nothing to talk about, you’re making it out to be something more than it really is.” He says, suddenly jumping up to pace across the room.  
  
  
  
“TBI?”  
  
  
  
He sighs, placing his mug down on the counter.  
  
  
  
“I smashed my head. I had a car accident and my head took a hard hit. It plays up here and there, I was on medication but it did nothing, so I find other ways, hence the smoking.” He tells her, looking into her eyes for the first time, she can see the nervousness. He’s opening up to her, slowly.  
  
  
  
He hopes she believes him, he’s not lying, not really. He had been in a car accident, although it was a rather intentionally accident, but he had taken a hard hit to the head and been diagnosed with TBI and it added to the struggle he faced each day. He’s not entirely sure if she knew about the car crash, but he decided to be open with her, maybe it would keep her from trying to talk about, well other things. He turns away closing his eyes, ‘one more month, just one more’.  
  
  
  
“I’m sorry darling, I didn’t.. I didn’t know.” She lies, but was taken a bit by surprise.  
  
  
  
Silence takes over them again, she stares down at her mug, unsure of what to say or do. After a minute, she hears a faint pulsed hit, in a repeditive pattern, looking up over at Matt, she sees him with his eyes closed flicking the hair band against his wrist. She smiles glad it is helping him to some extent, before downing her tea and standing up.  
  
  
  
“I’m sorry Matt, I think maybe I should leave. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just care about you, but it’s obvious that I’m not helping making you feel any better.”  
  
  
  
He doesn’t open his eyes or seem to acknowledge what she has said, so she turns around and heads for the door. She thinks maybe he’s better off without her, without her trying to help him when he clearly doesn’t want the help.  
  
  
  
“Alex wait, I...I didn’t mean to sound rude, it’s just, I don’t like talking, I know you care and you mean well, it’s just, it’s hard. I’m glad you’re here and I’m grateful for that, but it’s just too much now to...”  
  
  
  
“Matt you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, I shouldn’t have pushed.” She smiles sadly at him and turns around again to leave.  
  
  
  
“Wait.....Alex!” he says a little too loudly.  
  
  
  
She stops and slowly turns around.  
  
  
  
“Do you want to go have dinner?” he asks shyly.  
  
  
  
“Matt I’m not...”  
  
  
  
“I don’t mean out, just could grab something and come back here...I only have tea though, but I’m sure we could find wine or something to....sorry, you probably just want to go....I..uh....never mind, sorry.”  
  
  
  
She walks over to him, resting her hands on his shoulders, to calm him and stop his rambling.  
  
  
  
“Matt, it’s not that, you seemed like you didn’t want company, I thought you’d want some space, to be alone.”  
  
  
  
“I already am.” he whispers.  
  
  
  
If it wasn’t for how quiet it was, she would have missed it and it breaks her heart even more, she wants to just take him in her arms but resists. Taking a step back, she holds her hand out to him, causing him to have to look up at her. He seems uncertain, but takes her hand upon making eye contact. She hopes he senses her sincerity.  
  
  
  
“Come on then.”  
  
  
  
“You know you can say no Alex.” He replies, despite following her towards the door, where she has stopped.  
  
  
  
“Yes, I’m quite capable of that, but I must say I enjoyed our last culinary adventure and wouldn’t mind a repeat.” She offers with a smile.  
  
  
  
He simply smiles, before opening the door for her. He’s not sure what he’s doing,he wants to distance himself from her, her presence was beginning to bring up unwanted feelings within him, he didn’t think he could cope with it on top of what he already was struggling with for the last couple of years. He was torn, he couldn’t help needing her, he always did. Heading down the hallway, he finds her hand like it’s a lifeline, causing her to glance at him, but all she sees is the anxiety begin to wash away. She doesn’t protest it.


End file.
